Conversations with Eden, age 3

Eden and Grampy during his retirement party!

4/2
Eden: it's a friggin emet's diaper!
Me: what?!
Eden: it's a friggin emet's diaper.
Me: who taught you to say that?
Eden: you!
Me: when did I say that?
Eden: at Java monkey. You said what the friggin head!

3/26
Me (over a family breakfast, to Michael): Donald Trump's really spiraling out on this Obamacare thing.
Michael: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah, first he blamed the Democrats which was ridiculous, and then--
Eden: Let's let bears eat Donald Trump!
Michael and me: ......
me: Who told you that?
Eden: God told me that.
me: God told you that??
Eden: Yeah! God said let's let bears eat all the bad guys, Donald Trump, Haman, and Pharaoh. But not the Jews.
Michael and me: ....... (!)
me: Let's be clear here... our family doesn't like capital punishment.
Michael: Yeah, we don't like to hurt people.
me: Instead of being eaten by bears, maybe we can send them all to a golf course forever.
Eden: I have a great idea! Let's lock him up in jail!
me: Uh... yeah, that's better.
 Michael: Or they could stop doing bad things.
me: Yes, people who commit crimes should be punished for them... but not by being eaten by bears.
Michael (to me): so... what were you saying?
me: Oh, and then he tweeted to watch Fox News where they said Paul Ryan should resign, so effectively he's asking Paul Ryan to resign via Fox News.
Michael (shakes head)
Eden: Every time we say Donald Trump, he jumps into the TV to do an advertisement.

3/23
Eden: What pokemon is that? I want to see it!
me: Let's catch it first. (I show it to her after I catch it)
Eden: I wanted to see it BEFORE you catched it!
me: OK, I'll show you first next time.
(a few minutes later - I show her a pokemon before catching it)
Eden: You showed it to me before you catched it. That's good, mama!

3/10
Me: We're going to wear Cinderella on Sunday. Do you want to wear a different costume today so you don't mess up your dress?
Eden: NO!!! I WANT TO BE CINDERELLA!
Me: OK, you can do that, just be careful with your dress. Emet's going to dress up as Pikachu or R2D2 today so he doesn't mess up his costume. 
 Eden (wails): NOOOOOO!!!
Me: Why not?
 Eden: HE'S GONNA BE THE MOUSE!!!! (wails, cries, throws lovey, flops over on the ground and refuses to move)
....
....
Me: I really like how you're not picking your nose and eating it right now.

3/6
Michael: OK, Eden, I have to go! Come say bye!
Eden: No!
Michael: I have to go to band rehearsal! But I'll be back in the morning.
Eden (holding up "phone" consisting of pink plastic rectangle with a sticker on it): You can't go. My app says you have to stay.
Michael (laughs): And what app is that?
Eden: Amazon.

Me: Eden, please put on your socks.
Eden: let's play a game.
Me: what game?
Eden: mommies pretend to be big kids and kids pretend to be the mama and then... The mama goes back to being a big kid and says "can you please put on my socks mama?" And then we put on the socks in real life. 
Me: ok.. Great, now you can put on your socks in real life.
Eden: no, no. Now I say ''mama can you please put on my socks?" And you put them on in real life.

3/2

at positive parenting seminar: 
Leader: What is the one thing your child wants most in the world?
Correct answer: Your attention.
Michael, speaking my exact thoughts: To watch a video.

the next day...

me: Last night Daddy and I went to a class to learn how to be good mommies and daddies. Do you think we are doing a good job?
Eden: Yeah.
me: The teacher asked us, 'what is the one thing your child wants most in the world?' So what is the one thing you want most in the world?
Eden: Love!
*melts*
....
10 minutes later...

Eden: (EPIC TANTRUM because we did not have time to watch a video)

3/1

me: Hey Eden! Let's play a game!
Eden: Like a game on your iPad?
me: Not on the ipad, a... first time game!
Eden: (looks quizzically)
me: So if you do what we ask the first time, ..... you win!
Eden: No.

2/26

Eden: This is a box of hamentaschen! I'm gonna have JUST ONE in the car.
Nancy: Oh, what flavor hamentaschen?
Eden: They are all the same.
Nancy: What flavor is that? Strawberry? Apricot?
Eden: They are not a flavor. It is jelly in them.
Nancy: Well, you better save one for your dad!
Eden: No! My dad is gluten free!

(note: she used to call it "golden three")

2/23

On drive to school:

Me: you guys having fun back there?
Emet: no!!!
Me: aw, you aren't having fun?
Emet: no!!!
Me: what about you Eden, are you having fun?
Emet: no!!!!
Eden: I am having fun.

2/16

Eden: what the hell was that doing?
Us: what did you say?!?
Eden: I said what the hell was that doing?
Us: we say "what the heck."
Eden: some kids say "what the hell."
Me: which kids?
Eden: well sometimes Amelia?
Me: who else?
Eden: me.

2/15

(after overhearing Michael and me discussing penicillin allergies, which Eden and I both have--Emet is about to take his first dose)

Eden: I'm allergic to peanuts.
me: You're not allergic to peanuts.
Eden: Well, I'm a little allergic to peanuts.
me: You're not even a little bit allergic to peanuts.
Eden: Just a tiny bit allergic to peanuts.
me: If you were allergic to peanuts, you would be allergic to Bamba.
Eden (pauses)
Eden: I'm just a tiny bit allergic to Bamba.
me: If you were even a tiny bit allergic to Bamba, you couldn't eat Bamba anymore. So are you allergic to Bamba?
Eden (shakes head)
me: That's called cross-examination.
(pause)
...
Eden: I can't have any dinner because my tummy is about to hurt.
me: Your tummy is ABOUT to hurt?
Eden: Well, I can't have any dinner tomorrow because my tummy is starting to hurt. (takes a giant bite of pizza)

2/7

Eden: I love you mom.
Me: Awww! I love you too, sweetie!
Eden: but sometimes when you get mad I say I hate you.
Me: but you don't mean that!
Eden (laughs): yeah!